On moms & meltdowns


My mom ended up leaving early due to a meltdown she had. We had fought several weeks before her visit as she was being intrusive and asking if my fiancee and I were planning on having children. My sister has one child and my mom has also been badgering her to have another one. However, whether she realizes it or not, she is not in control over my sister and my childbearing. So tough shit.

boundaries

Image source: ouragingparents.net

My mom ended up getting variously upset with me over the small space my boyfriend and I live in, how fast I eat my food, the lack of a proper coffee maker (we have a cappuccino machine), how affectionate my boyfriend and I were with one another, and feeling ignored on our car trip. So I didn’t fight with her, but she texted my sister (and me, by mistake), her frustration with my eating too fast at the Olive Garden. Then she got up and waited for me outside. I went into a clothing store and spent money I didn’t have due to being upset (clothing that I returned today – lesson learned). She took a walk and then we met up again. We had spoken about seeing a movie after lunch but I’d had it. Her lack of communication with me over why she was upset was too much. I said I planned to go home and take a nap. After we got out of the car at my apartment she got on the phone with her friend, who she’d planned to stay with in a few days, packed up, and waited for her outside. We didn’t say goodbye to one another.

My mom has helped me a lot financially over the years, and I have been very financially co-dependent on her as a result. I made the decision on Monday, when she left, that I need to end this behavior. My fiancee and I both have good jobs and we can support ourselves. Yes, we’d like to buy a house in the next few years, but it will happen at the right time. My mom had promised to give us money for the down payment, but now I doubt she will. And that’s okay. Even if she writes me out of the will and I never receive another dime from her or my dad, I’ll be okay. I’m an adult. I have an education. I am learning new skills. I will be okay. I want to, and I must stand on my own two feet. And I will.

My mom is blowing through my dad’s savings, in a futile attempt to make herself happy. My dad says packages arrive at their house almost daily. She’s bought another house and plans to move out next month, in an attempt to “get away” from my dad, whom she claims she’s never loved and can’t stand. She’s already planning to build on a sun room and another room for her art projects. She’s unbalanced. She should be in therapy, and under the care of a psychiatrist. But truly crazy people never believe they are crazy. And she is one of them. If I told her a continued relationship with her would be contingent on her getting help, we probably wouldn’t have a relationship. But I feel I am close to this point. My fiancee and I have already discussed it, and she’s not welcome to stay with us any longer. If she visits, she’ll have to stay in an Air B&B or a hotel.

Boundaries are good, and financial co-dependence is bad. The more financially responsible I am in 2017, the more I can feel relief and confidence in my supporting myself. And that’s a good thing.

 

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3 thoughts on “On moms & meltdowns

  1. Ah, family… Try not to put pressure on yourself for not having a perfect relationship with your mother, or even the relationship you used to have. No one has a perfect relationship with their parents. Even if a relationship used to be good, people change. Your mom may feel threatened by the relationship that you now have with your fiance. Perhaps she is jealous of you. Perhaps she is sad about getting older and everything that means. You’re right that she needs help. I’ve also seen, in my own family, people try to spend their way out of depression and loneliness, instead of seeking help. Hopefully there is something your father can do to protect his money so that your mom doesn’t spend it all. If she does spend it all, I worry that she’ll expect you to house and take care of her. Hang in there!

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    1. It’s funny, my fiancee came up with the same conclusion, that my mom was jealous of our relationship. Also, I had a candid conversation with my dad this morning about protecting his money. He said he was going to call his financial advisor. I’m going to follow up with him. It’s difficult because he was also diagnosed with dementia. Thanks for the positive comments. Family is hard. I would never choose to be friends with my mother if we weren’t related. She has her good qualities but overall she drives me nuts!

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  2. It’s very hard for direct family in the beginning to understand that when you get married, you have your own family. Sometimes even my sisters and I have to call out on each other when we are stepping over our boundaries.

    My mother was like yours. Whoever she gave money to, she expected them to always listen to her or do things for her. You are right. It was a way to keep the umbilical cord on. It didn’t make her a bad person but the consequences was always negative. Some people just don’t understand just lending money out doesn’t make you a good person if you expect things. I never accepted money from her because I saw how she treated my other siblings. I didn’t want her to feel like I owe it to her to be a “good child.”

    I’m very sorry about your father being diagnosed with dementia. I do not know what stage he is but I hope your mother will have the strength not to spend everything or else she might end up trying to live with you or your sibling. If you have the time you can look for a support group for Alzheimer’s in your area.

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